2024

2024 was a year that build me, then shattered me, and as I was slowly putting my pieces back together, broke me once more.

This past year, I experienced all of it. I felt tremendous sense of awe and wonder through my psychedelic therapy. As I was processing it all, I was faced with absolute heartbreaking news of losing my mother and aunt two weeks apart. The grief, anger, loss, loneliness, fear, everything was crumbling down on me. I felt the walls of my world closing on me while I was trying to survive and hang on. There were days that my entire goal was to get through a day w/o crying or breaking down into tears. Around 20th anniversary of my dad’s passing, I lost my mom. I went through griefing her passing while experiencing loss of my dad once more. I felt like a kid in playground, playing and lost in my own world, and suddenly realizing no one is around me. I start looking for my parent anxiously, only to realize not only I can’t find them, but I don’t seem to find anyone else. It is deadly quiet….

Thanks goodness for Jordon, Steph, Daniel, Bry, Gneiss (especially Chris and Nancy), Sharon for keep showing up for me. To show me there are still ppl in this world that truly care about me, and love me for who I am. Even though, I break into tears, or I may be less like my self.

It was only 3 months after loss of my mom. I was slowly processing all the emotions and events following her passing, and managing to let go of her. Asking her to let go, that she should rest and it all be ok. She doesn’t need to worry anymore, her job and time is done. She should peacefully cross over that rainbow bridge, and do and be all she ever wanted.

I never forget that day, it was Friday September 27th, just past noon. I was getting ready for my weekend, alone relaxing and finding some peace. Suddenly, a big bomb was dropped in the middle of my life. I had to face yet another devastating news. This one hurt so bad that I wished I would just be dead. That it may all be a nightmare, and I just step out of it screaming, or maybe crying. Though, it was far from it, it was and still is my new reality.

I am trying to manage this new reality, navigating day to day with doubts, fears and what ifs. Maybe someday I share what I heard, but not today….